A Conversation With Death

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A Conversation With Death

By Gil Alan

Somebody once told me that suicide is the ultimate “Fuck You.” And I suppose in some regard that may be true, but when all is said and done, who is it that’s really getting fucked?

The one thing in life that is absolute… is that no one gets out alive. And whether we like it or not, there are no exceptions to this rule. But then life was never designed to go on forever in the sense that we know it now as a physical reality. Life is a cyclical event of birth and death, of creation and transformation. It is a journey of opportunity for self-discovery and self-expression that has no equal.

I would assume that most people have thought about suicide at one point or another throughout their lives, but for most, it is usually nothing more than a fleeting thought, a temporary moment of insanity that flees the mind as quickly as it had so shamelessly intruded.

Once upon a time, I had been waking up every morning of my life to the unrelenting sound of death knocking at my door, and every morning I would get up and slam the door in its face. But death can be a very persistent solicitor. And for those of us at our weakest moment… death can make an irresistible pitch with the most cunning persuasion.

As I sat there looking down at the thirty-six sleeping pills I had just poured into my hand, I was faced with the single most important decision I was ever going to make. Do I face my life and deal with it, or do I end it?

I popped several pills in my mouth, then washed them down with a swig of Vodka. I could feel each pill slowly sliding down my throat in a unified succession, one after the other, like tiny soldiers quietly marching home in the defeat of battle.

The funny thing about death is that the closer you get to it, the more you feel life. Everything gets clearer. So on the verge of my own destruction, I had actually come closer to my life than I had ever been before, and I had to wonder how things could have possibly become so fucking twisted?

The simple truth is that no one can ever escape or out-run their life… not even through death. There is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Life will find you no matter where you are or how you choose to disguise yourself. If you do not face your fears and insecurities in one life, they will follow you in to the next one. Yet there are still many ways of shutting out your current reality on a temporary basis, and believe me, there is no limit to the depth of darkness you can plunge in order to make even the slightest attempt at escape. But when you turn your back on reality no matter how harsh that reality may appear at the time, you are only turning your back on yourself… and sooner or later, you are going to come face to face with yourself again.

Life is full of many surprises. And one of those surprises for me, was learning that I didn’t need to escape, that my life could change when I begin to change my perspective. And changing my perspective allowed me to see that I could create any reality I wanted. I had a choice.

So many of us allow ourselves to become victimized by this or by that and submit our power to whatever that thing may be. How many times have you said to yourself or to someone else, “There’s nothing I can really do, that’s just the way it is and that’s that.” Well, the truth is that there is a lot you can do. There is always something you can do. In fact, it’s all up to you. Everything in your life is guided and manifested through you and by you.

Your most powerful tool for effecting change; is choice. The choices that you make today, are the choices that shape your future. It is truly that simple. Life is not a haphazard event of random circumstances that just come hurdling at you one after another for no good reason. Your life is a result of cause and effect. The life you live today is a direct result of all the choices you have previously made from the past to the present.

If you could go back in time and systematically trace all the choices you’ve made in life, then link each one of those choices from one to the other like connecting the dots in a ‘Draw by Numbers’ book, you would see how each and every choice you made had caused an effect, and so on and so on, until all the connected dots would form a clear and vivid picture of the exact life you are living today.

There is not a single event that happens in any of our lives that we are not in complete control of, or the cause of in one form or another. This may sound like a bunch of metaphysical mumbo-jumbo, but this is simply the way of life. It is the universal structure - a perfect design where the very nature of life allows each and every living creature to control it’s own destiny from beginning to end. It is also the nature of life to contain both chaos and order, and our power of choice is the way to achieve a workable balance between the two, where chaos and order can exist side by side in perfect harmony.

Sometimes you have to journey through the darkness before you can emerge into the light. The darkness comes in many varied shapes and forms for each of us depending on what will serve us best, but it is always there for a purpose. When the world around me began to crumble, and my old beliefs would no longer serve me, the only place I could turn to was my own truth.

Having to confront Death in any form can be a startling wake up call. But Death is not the bad guy… Death is simply life’s messenger, offering another opportunity for a shift in perspective. Death is only answering our personal requests based on the choices we have made, whether those choices be conscious or not.

My conversation with Death had awakened me to the spiritual resources that were asleep deep within me. It showed me how to become responsible for my life, which I am constantly in the process of re-learning how to do with each and every new day.

Battling the darkness and coming through it had broken all of the illusions that I had previously believed in. Illusions that I thought were anchoring my life, but in truth were actually holding me back from living my life to the fullest and honoring my truth. It has taught me that anything is possible. And in the most sincere and humbling way, it has given me my wings and taught me how to fly.

Almost everything in life is fleeting… but your freedom to choose how you will respond to any given situation can never be taken from you. The incredible power of choice is the miracle that is always available to heal and renew the human spirit.

Copyright  2021Gil Alan - All Rights Reserved

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